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One of the most difficult decisions any woman has to make
is what do I do with my wedding band. Believe me when I say
there is no book of rules about what to do with the ring.
Sally shared with me that her husband was a very conservative
lawyer. Realizing that she wanted to play a practical joke
on him, she made her ring into a belly button ring. Other
women have reported taking the ring and putting it away for
a while until they are comfortable with its contents. Some
have given it to their children as a remembrance while others
have transformed its appearance to fit with their new beginning.
Others continue to wear theirs with pride. Remember, this
is your choice. Whatever you do, you are free to do the choosing.
What to do with your deceased husband's clothing can be challenging
and may be culturally based. In some religions, it is thought
best that no man ever walk in a dead man's shoes while in
others, to give shoes to family members is an honor. The widow
should be given the opportunity to decide how to dispose of
her husband's clothing. For some women this has to be done
immediately. For others, they may as one woman did pack the
clothes, put them under a bed, and at the end of six months
took them out, gave some away, and made remnants into a quilt.
The trick here is to keep what you want and give away the
rest.
It was not until I started interviewing young widows in their
homes did it dawn on me that we may make accommodations in
our bedrooms.
What I discovered was half of the woman I visited slept in
their king or queen sized bed as if half of the bed were perfectly
made and waiting for someone to enter. The other half had
so much clutter on the other side of their bed that there
would never have been room for a visitor. When a colleague
of mine discussed this in her child and family development
classes, she was amazed at how many of her college students
commented on this was the way their single parent slept. What
amazed them most is how their mothers accommodated for the
loss of their spouse in their bedrooms.
Do I leave my bedroom the same or for that matter do I stay
in the same house. These issues are really a matter of choice.
While most books on death and dying firmly state that no one
should move within a year, the famed Helen Lopata of the University
of Chicago has found that most widows move in less than a
year. Moving or redecorating is not bad. It may be done for
emotional or financial reasons. The point is that as a part
of moving on, change is necessary and one way of dealing with
the loss of spouse is creating a new living space for the
living.
Instructions: Some times journaling helps us put into perspective
our lives and feelings. Many of the women that I have interviewed
have found this to be a successful coping strategy. Take some
time to write on the following topics or whatever occupies
your mind.
- What do I want to do with my husband's ring?
- How can I make my living space most comfortable for me?
- How do I feel about moving?
- It is important for me to keep?
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