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No matter whom I talk to, friends
as Lee, a young widow stated," are the most precious
diamond any woman can have." That is not to say that
friendships don't alter following the death of a spouse.
Lee's friends are her safety net. They provide emotional and
spiritual nourishment for her. Lee tells us it is very important
to maintain your friendships. My advice to a widow would be,
"It's like planting a garden. The seeds get planted and
you water them. You fertilize them. You keep your relationship
with each one of those little flowers or plants, protect them
and do what you can to nourish them because that is what life
is all about."
For all of the women I interviewed, friends allowed them to
sort through who they were, what they were doing, and where
they were going at their own pace. Common to all was their
friends' ability to be a pal, to be attentive, to be silent
when necessary, to listen, to cry or laugh with them, to invite
them out, to let them call at all hours, and to accept them
as they were, knowing that for now they needed to give more
than to receive. For some their friendships changed over time,
reflective of their changing identity, maturational tasks,
personal and professional priorities.
Friendships with other couples may stay the same. Your
couple friends may continue to include you on their weekend
outings, special occasions, and holidays. Do not be surprised,
however, if relations dwindle with some of your couple friends.
It is difficult to say exactly why this occurs. The most frequently
mentioned reasons that I have heard are:
- The young widow is perceived as a potential threat.
This may occur not because of her spouse's death but rather
her friends have unresolved marital issues that are projected
on to the new widow.
- The widow is uncomfortable with her new single role.
She feels like a third wheel.
- It is too painful for all of them to be together. The
memories of the deceased are burdensome. Avoidance is
the only way they can mask the pain of their collective
loss and their own fears of death.
- The couples are uncomfortable with their own marital
relationships and project their discord on the new widow.
Many women report that other widows were most helpful
to them. With other widows, women often feel free to speak
the language of death. Other widows are not afraid to accompany
the new widow to pick out caskets, urns, and to listen. Having
been through a similar yet totally different experience than
they had, often times women feel that their widowed friends
have a clearer understanding of how they felt and with whom
they could be themselves. Contrary to popular beliefs, the
women that I have interviewed enjoyed the company of another
widow one on one, they did not seek out nor like support groups.
This may be important for others to know as so often professionals
are quick to refer the bereaved to support groups. It may
be better if possible to develop a mentoring relationship
between persons who have experienced the loss of a spouse
than referring to a group.
Instructions: Some times journaling helps us put into perspective
our lives and feelings. Many of the women that I have interviewed
have found this to be a successful coping strategy. Take some
time to write on the following topics or whatever occupies
your mind.
- How do I feel when I'm with my friends?
- Who do I call in times of need?
- How can my friends help me?
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Couple
Friends: