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Meg has not had an easy
time. In the beginning her 5 year old found it difficult to
talk about Mitch at all, while Chelsea, her 3 year old, talked
about her daddy all the time. The older one would scream at
Meg all the time. In the beginning they went to a therapist,
but after awhile they did not want to continue. Presently,
Chelsea, the younger one who today is 61/2 years old, goes
to a grief support group at Hospice; the older daughter has
been reluctant to start. Chelsea has had a difficult time.
Her cognitive ability has changed. She went through a time
where she would cry inconsolably every night. She missed her
daddy and wanted to die with him.
In the hubbub of the moment, children and teens are often
overlooked even though they are the widow's top priority.
Upon the death of a spouse, most women report being emotionally
and physically unavailable to their children (at least initially).
Faced with an enormity of new responsibilities - financial,
emotional and otherwise - children are unwittingly pushed
by their mothers into the backdrop. Decisions such as whether
or not children should or should not attend the funeral, how
soon they should go back to school, when is it OK for them
to laugh, must be addressed. Friends, teachers, pets, and
other healing allies are important for the healing process.
Just like adults, children and teens have different responses
to grief. Some women have shared at least one of their children
have acted out as a result of the loss of their parent. Younger
children may exhibit sudden outbursts of anger, may hide under
beds, regress to early stages of behavior (bed wetting), or
lose themselves in the back of a classroom. Teens may turn
to alcohol or other drugs or act out sexually or resort to
violent actions. Being sensitive and aware of these thing
and engaging helpers whenever possible is important to you
and your children during this time.
Often times, we move away from destructive self-thought by
taking care of others. If you have the time and the money
and the patience, pets can be a source of healing. Whether
it's a gerbil, a Siamese cat, or a chocolate lab, other living
things require someone to give of him or herself and in turn,
he/she receives unconditional love. The lesson here is that
people have different reactions to grief. More often than
not, younger children regress to an earlier stage of behavior
and are likely to have abandonment issues; teenagers sometimes
act out in inappropriate ways. Research has shown that at
least one child in each family has extreme difficulty living
with the death of a parent. During this time when mom is unintentionally
unavailable, it is important for other helpers to intervene
in effective ways.
- Talk to anyone who interacts with your child and let them
know what your child is going through.
- Reassure your children- make sure they know they are not
responsible for the death.
- Don't be afraid to ask for help.
- Seek support from friends or support groups.
- Involve your children.
- Answer their questions honestly.
- Consider bringing a pet into your lives.
Instructions: Some times journaling helps us put into perspective
our lives and feelings. Many of the women that I have interviewed
have found this to be a successful coping strategy. Take some
time to write on the following topics or whatever occupies
your mind.
- Who can take the kids for a few hours?
- How do I show love?
- Is there day care or childcare in my neighborhood?
- What kind of support do my children need?
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